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this isn't my normal writing style. in fact, after i write the stories, it takes me at least twice as long to simplify them as it did to write them in the first place. usually even longer. but i'm gonna stick with the blunt style on this page. everything here is true as far as my memory serves.

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Nov 14, 2003
ap environmental science

i took ap environmental science in 12th grade. the class was a joke. everybody in it got an a. the teacher's name was mr. lopatka. he was a joke.

you could obtain 5 points of extra credit for every dollar you donated to the science club. he was the president of the science club. what the fuck.

anyway. you could also get extra credit by bringing certain items to class he requested. items like waterless hand sanitizer or packs of notebook paper or dry-erase markers.

on one of the extra credit turn-in dates, he called the class to his desk in alphabetical order. when he was done looking over what they had, he would give them the appropriate amount of extra credit and tell them to put their items in the back.

i sat in the back. by the time he got to w for warren, i had collected over 100 points of extra credit to present to him from the ever-growing stack piling up next to my desk. i came to class with nothing.

that worked out well.

Posted at 04:12 pm by theufsniper
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lunchroom freedom fighters

the year is 2000. i'm in high school. i'm at lunch. i'm sitting with the water polo team. everything is hunky dorey.

all of a sudden our table is struck by a piece of cake. it came from rush's table. chris w retaliates by throwing a half-full milk carton at their table.

we get hit with more cake. they get hit with more milk. within 30 seconds, the ENTIRE CAFETERIA is standing up and throwing food. one of the lunch ladies got hit in the face by a nearly-full 20 oz gatorade bottle.

enter the administrators. they don't look pleased. the food fight stops. me and chris w are blamed for the whole incident. the cafeteria gets closed for a week.

it was worth it.

Posted at 04:03 pm by theufsniper
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Nov 13, 2003
the physics exam

one day geoff sent me an instant message. he had a physics exam coming up three periods later. the class had two sections. one of the sections was going to take the exam in 5 minutes.

he offered me ten dollars to go into the test and steal a copy for him. i did it.

i wasn't very slick about it. i took a test from the front of the auditorium and walked right out the exit in the back. i'm barely 10 steps away when the exit i walked out of flies open. it's a TA. he doesn't look very pleased. he chases me.

he was fat. i outran him. i gave geoff the test. he gave me ten bucks.

he got a 100.

Posted at 04:55 pm by theufsniper
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a tale of two mariahs

in high school i knew a girl named mariah. she gave me her screenname one day. i sent her a message. it wasn't mariah's screenname.

well, it was. sort of. the sn did belong to a mariah, just not the mariah i knew. this mariah was from minneapolis.

this was four years ago. i still talk to mariah. both of them.

cool, huh?

Posted at 04:30 pm by theufsniper
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the sign


me and trent were bored.

we drove to micanopy. we walked around. nobody was there. nobody. it was like a ghost town.

we walked to the post office. there was a badass metal sign on the wall. i decided to take it.

we walked back to my car to get my toolkit. i didn't have my tool kit. i took a crowbar.

as luck would have it, the crowbar fit perfectly into the screw head. i took the sign.

it now hangs in my room.

Posted at 05:21 am by theufsniper
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i know somebody named travis. i went to high school with him. he moved to georgia in eleventh grade. he recently moved to gainesville. i've hung out with him a few times since.

one night i was driving home from a party at the landings. i was stopped at the 13th/University light. i see travis walk by. he looks drunk as hell. i yell at him to get in the car. he asks me if i want to go to a party. we go.

the party is all scene kids. does it freak me out? no. i'd been around scene kids all summer.

one of the girls was pretty cute. i forget her name. she works at leonardo's. she told me she'd give me free pizza the next day.

i went to leonardo's the next day. she didn't remember me.


Posted at 05:20 am by theufsniper
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free laundry

one day nick approached me. he took me to the jennings laundry room. he showed me magic.

he stuck a knife in the laundry machine. he pressed a couple buttons. somehow he tricked the machine into thinking he put three quarters in. it was ready to wash.

the trick doesn't work on the dryers. you still have to pay seventy-five cents for that. whatever.

half off ain't half bad.

Posted at 05:19 am by theufsniper
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the roof

me, nick, david and trent hung out all the time last year. we have since named our clique JATO - jennings area terrorist organization. trent lived in beaty. oh well.

one night the four of us were sitting out front of jennings with no agenda. i'm pretty sure we were high. we usually were.

we had recently climbed onto the roof of jennings for the first time. we decided to put furniture up there.

we went downstairs to the jennings lobby and got a wooden table. we put it on the roof. then we got four chairs. we put them on the roof.

we felt really accomplished when we sat down up there. nick brought a chess board. we played. i don't remember who won. the four of us smoked a bowl up there. it was fun.

less than a week later the furniture was gone.

that was that.

Posted at 05:19 am by theufsniper
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cocoa beach people are cool. i know a lot of them. they live at boardwalk. they all play ddr. they're all pretty good.

we all know what ddr is. we all know who plays ddr: nerds. i play ddr. fuck off.

you might not know nick. i know nick. nick is cool. nick plays ddr. he's good. actually, he's the best.

i started playing ddr at nick's apartment one night. i played for six hours. i left nick's that night sucking.

i went to chris and ed and JB's place. they have ddr too. i started practicing with JB.

funny thing happened. i got good. now i can beat everybody.

except nick. i'll never beat nick.

fuck that

Posted at 05:19 am by theufsniper
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the shirt

i woke up. i was hungover. it sucked.

i scanned the room i was in. nothing was familiar. i didn't know how i got there. i was in a dorm. i looked out the window. it was Lakeside.

i walked around all four bedrooms. nobody was there. odd. i opened one of the closets. the shirts were my size. i saw a long-sleeve abercrombie and fitch tee. i took it.

i walked outside to the bus. i never found out whose room it was. i never went back.

i still wear the shirt.

Posted at 05:17 am by theufsniper
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